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Stuff Southern Mommas Say

As a kid growing up in the South, I learned the difference between sarcasm and sincerity real fast.  I learned that tone only makes up about 40% of each individual way of speaking; the other 60% is all in the body language.  And y’all — ain’t nobody got that tone and body language down-pat quite like we southern mommas.

Before I had kids, I only thought I’d inherited the gift prematurely.  Psh!  I was a timid little dormouse until I had kids.  These days I speak sarcasm so fluently, most people think I’m the nicest, most sincere person they’ve ever laid eyes on.  My kids are little smart-asses, too, but they don’t got nothin’ on their momma.  Y’all call it being passive-aggressive; we call it issuing a dare.

Oh, sure; we mean what we say.  But the true brilliance of SM language is the ability to almost speak in code with the eyes.  You may HEAR, “Go right on ahead and touch that fence”.  But if you’re paying real close attention to the shifting of our gaze and the clenching of our fists, then you know what we really mean is, “Go ahead and touch the fence, smart ass.  But we’re not going to the hospital and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna listen to your bitchin’.”  So this brings me to the topic at hand: stuff southern mommas say.

  1. Excuse me?!
    Y’all, when you hear this you better hit the ground runnin’ and hope to God we can’t get our flip flops off in time to chuck it at the back of your head.  I have said, “Excuse me?!” so many times to my kids that the last time I sneezed, the boys both cleaned the entire house and offered to cook dinner.  Poor babies hadn’t even done anything — that time.  But momma don’t play.  And if momma ain’t playin, ain’t nobody playin’.
  2. Go ahead and touch (insert object here) after I said not to.
    This is the ultimate “don’t even think about it”.  Most of the time I don’t even have to come through with a punishment because whatever it is my kid(s) has (have) touched is punishment enough.  Case in point: I told Connor not to touch my straightener the other day.  Now, I’m not above baby-proofing and there’s no way in hell I’d have that thing low enough for Mason to get to it.  But Con is old enough to know (and I’ve reiterated enough) that the damn straightener is HOT, and just like the oven, we don’t touch it.  So what’s he do?  Well, the little smart-alec went in and just barely touched the plate.  I mean just barely; it didn’t even leave a mark.  It scared him more than it hurt.  But he knew to “suck it up, buttercup” because I’d already told him, “Uh, don’t touch that”.  However, sometimes the kids slip up and still come running after doing something less than intelligent.  In those cases, we hit ’em with…

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  3. Don’t come runnin’ to me.  I don’t want to hear it.
    Here’s the phrase that often gets us southern mommas in a fair amount of hot water, but we don’t care.  Listen, a kid’s gotta learn at some point in his or her life how not to do stupid things.  We like to call this “experience”.  If you haven’t experienced something, you’ll never know the rewards or pitfalls that whatever-it-is can bring you.  It’s kind of like riding a bike: once you learn, you never forget.  So in the bicycle ride of life, you gotta bust your ass a few times before you’re riding a Tour de France.  Also, on a less logical basis, this really means, “I TOLD YOU SO.”
  4. Bless your heart.
    This one has been done to death, but there are so many possible meanings to this phrase.  Sure, we may mean we’ll pray for your momma and them — but probably not.  Generally speaking, we’re telling you in the nicest way possible to get over yourself.  Hey, sometimes we all need to hear it.

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  5. Oh, honey.
    “Oh, honey” is simply a less condescending way of saying, “Bless your heart”.  Sometimes we even mean, “Oh, honey”.  However, the sincerity is limited to the death of a loved one, a bad hairdo, or getting into Ole Miss but not LSU.  If you’ve been “oh, honey-ed” recently but haven’t experienced any of the above scenarios, then someone out there thinks you’re a few bricks short of a house.
  6. Lemme say it one more time.
    For the love of God and all that is holy, don’t make that woman repeat herself.  Unless, of course, you enjoy frostbite.  Then go for it.

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  7. God don’t like ugly.
    Stop runnin’ your head about your cousin’s sister’s fiancé.
  8. Did I ask who put it there.
    No, I didn’t mean to insert a question mark.  This is a STATEMENT, y’all.  Not a question.  And if you value your hide at all, you’ll pick up whatever it is that’s on the ground, table, or couch FAST.
  9. I know you did not!
    Gabe’s teacher reminded me of this one yesterday and I laughed out loud.  I’m constantly saying this to my boys.  The look on my boys’ faces when they hear this — Lawd.  I can’t even put it into words.  It’s definitely a “deer-in-headlights meets aliens are coming” kind of face.  For those of you who are lucky enough to have never heard ya momma say, “I know you did NOT!”, let me fill you in on the meaning: your ass is grass.  You will soon to meet your Maker.  Hit the deck, Bud, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.  In short: you’ve really screwed yourself and there’s no gettin’ out of it.
  10. You’re killin’ me, smalls.
    Okay, so this one may not be limited to us southern moms.  But I know for certain we say this A LOT.  And, really, it speaks for itself.  Say the kids aren’t really being bad, just… “plentiful”.  Coming in and out, in and out, in and out… letting out the “bought air”.  Or runnin’ wild in the heat of the day, all up in your house?  You don’t really want to jerk a knot in anyone because your own momma taught you to pick your battles.  So the next best thing to clotheslining your own spawn is to simply let out an exasperated, “YA KILLIN’ ME, SMALLS!”  The kids get the message, count their blessings that there is still breath within their lungs, and for a solid two minutes there is peace.  It’s only fair — about ten minutes into more rough-housing, one of the aforementioned statements is going to come rushin’ out of your mouth faster than a Nascar at Daytona.

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  11. Lastly, You are my sunshine.
    I don’t want anyone leaving this post thinking that us Scarlett O’Haras, Blanche Devereauxs, or Ousier Boudreauxs do anything less than love our kids.  They are the lights of our lives.  Our reasons for loving anyone from the mud to the moon.  And, yeah — sometimes they are our emergency trips to Target for a big-ass bottle of Tylenol and a box of wine.  But they teach us as we teach them.  They love us as we love them.  And one day they’ll leave the nest and have children of their own.  Until that day comes, we’ll be back porch sittin’, summer day spendin’, and on the couch cuddlin’ with our littles.

    Until they piss us off.  Then they better run.

 

Decor, Entertaining, Family, Gifts, Heirlooms, Holidays, Links, Lists, Mom blog, Mom Life, Mood Boards, Motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 4

Hey, y’all!  So sorry for the long absence; the past few days have been absolutely crazy.  However, I’m back with our fourth edition of the Mother’s Day Gift Guide.  Today, I’m going to share with you two of my favorite brands from two of my favorite leading ladies: Joanna Gaines & Ree Drummond.  I love these two mommas’ charming personalities and am constantly impressed by their moral compasses — even in the face of their individual fame.

Joanna’s line “Hearth & Hand” (a Target exclusive) is simple yet stunning; her attention to detail is absolutely exquisite.  Ree’s “Pioneer Woman” takes a different approach, but is equally charming and detail oriented.  I have provided two separate boards each complete with links to the products.

What momma wouldn’t love getting some new decor inspiration?!  I know I sure would.  Here’s to finding some beautiful ideas for mom that I just know she’ll enjoy for years to come.

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Joanna Gaines’ “Hearth & Hand”
  1. Stoneware Trays: Set of 2
  2. Stoneware Pedestal Bowl
  3. Covered Cake Stand
  4. Magnolia Table Cookbook
  5. 2-Tier Cake Stand

 

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Ree Drummond’s “Pioneer Woman”
  1. Cookbook Stand
  2. Batter Bowl
  3. Pioneer Woman 2-Quart Pitcher
  4. Pioneer Woman “Food From My Frontier Cookbook”
  5. Jade Cake Stand

 


Previous Posts
Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 1
Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 2
Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 3

Holidays, Links, Lists, Mom blog, Mom Life, Mood Boards, Motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 3

There are days that us moms feel like dressing up (read: the good leggings and non-stained top) and there are days that we have to shave our legs, put on good jeans, and a nice blouse.  But I would say most of the time, for me anyway, the go-to uniform is a kitschy t-shirt, lightly distressed denim, and trusty Chucks.  I love a cute tee that expresses my mood for the day — whether that mood is light or dark is generally pretty up in the air.  But today, for lightness’ sake, I’ve rounded up a few of my favorites.  You may be thinking, “Who on earth would get their mom a TEE SHIRT for Mother’s Day?!”  Trust me.  If she has toddlers, puking babies, or if she’s recently cleaned a toilet, she’d love the new top (and you!) forever.

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  1. Raising Wild Things tee
  2. Mom of Boys tee
  3. Mom of Girls tee
  4. They Whine I Wine tee
  5. Walk Across Legos tee
  6. Diet Coke Helps tee

Not Pictured
Gabriel Clothing Co. Mom Box
Bonus Mommin’ tee

Family, Gifts, Holidays, Kids, Links, Lists, Mom blog, Mom Life, Mood Boards, Motherhood, Parenting, Women's health

Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 2

We’re back for the second part of the Mother’s Day gift guide.  Most moms these days are either into fitness for fitness’ sake or, if they’re like me, are into fitness because: toddlers.  Either way, there are so many great gift options available that encompass fitness and health.  You don’t have to weigh mom down with dumbells and gym memberships in order to meet her interests (although if she’s into that, the what the hell).  Today you can find neat water bottles that infuse natural fruit flavoring, punny tops that motivate, fitness trackers, etc., etc.  I’ve rounded up a few of my personal favorites to show y’all today.  I hope you find something for mom so she can have her cake and eat it too — so to speak.

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  1. Ellie Activewear Subscription Box
  2. Qalo Stackable Silicone Wedding Band
  3. Avocardio Gym Bag
  4. Drink More Water (make more milk) Water Bottle
  5. MisFit Smart Watch ($199.99)

 

Come back tomorrow for more great Mother’s Day goodies!

Previous Posts
Mother’s Day Gift Guide pt. 1

Family, Gifts, Holidays, Links, Lists, Mom Life, Mood Boards, Motherhood, Parenting, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Gift Guide

If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering where in the world the time has gone.  How is it already late April?!  Per usual, time has a way of making itself into an epic whirlwind.  With that said, Mother’s Day is upon us.  Hell, most you ARE mommas, so that isn’t exactly news to you.  But some of you might be wondering what on earth to get for that special ladies (or several special ladies) in your life to show them your appreciation.  I absolutely fall into that category; I could give my own mom a stick tied with a string and she’d manage to not only find a use for it, but she would also genuinely appreciate the “thought”.

Contrary to popular belief, people like this are not easy to buy for (I’m lookin’ at you, Elizabeth).  In fact, the desire to find the perfect thing for that person only intensifies itself.  Now, I’m lucky in that I know my mom pretty well and know what she likes, what she loves, and what she says she likes but really hates.  But sometimes a brain fart squeaks its way into the forefront of the old brain box and *poof* you’re lost.  This is where a gift guide comes in handy.  I have compiled various lists of possible Mother’s Day gift items that might strike your fancy.  If not, hopefully, it can point you in the right direction.  Come back every day to see a different category!

Today we’re starting off with an old standby: jewelry.  I love jewelry, but I’m not super keen on over-the-top, fancy stuff.  I do have little ones, after all, and no nanny, so expensive baubles just aren’t my cup of tea.  I adore sentimental jewelry, however.  Below are a few of my absolute favorites — with links included!

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  1. Lisa Leonard Rose Gold Stacking Rings
  2. Sierra Metal Raising My Tribe Cuff
  3. Lisa Leonard Open Circle Pearl Necklace
  4. SM Mama Bear Necklace
  5. SM Outnumbered (#boymom) Necklace

 

Hope you find something wonderful from these suggestions and come back tomorrow for more gift ideas!

Baby, Birth, Humor, Mom blog, Motherhood, Parenting, Post-partum, Uncategorized, Women's health

CSI: Underpants

I’m going to go ahead and give y’all fair warning: there is TMI ahead.  Most of you reading are mommas, so there may or may not be such a thing as “TMI” for you.  Been there, done that, had spit-up down the t-shirt sort of thing.  But on the real, we’re about to venture into what some of you might classify as gross or unsavory.  Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I had our caboose baby in December of 2017.  We decided that we were done and did not wish to continue trying for a girl because: our luck.  I mean, hell — I’m wildly outnumbered as it is and am not a super firm believer in “what’s one more”.  Birth control is not an option for me; the side-effects pretty much destroy my already whack hormones.  Hubs didn’t want to venture towards the vasectomy route, and really, who could blame him?  We decided that it just made sense for me to have a tubal since I was already having a c-section anyway and you know… easy access.  So immediately following Mason’s sweet arrival, all exits were shut down.  I made damn sure that my OB sealed everything up so well that even Chuck Norris couldn’t break down that barrier.

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Now, look.  All of my boys have been section babies.  Gabe’s section was not by choice, for those of you who were wondering, it was by necessity.  The following sections were for safety precautions, as well.  Luckily for me, the maternal genes really kicked in and I can see through walls with my back turned.  But I digress.  Like I said, all of the boys were section babies.  I was up and walking around not even a day later after Gabe and Connor were born.  This was not the case with Mason.  I don’t know if it was due to my age or if it was because of the tubal, but it took me a solid two days to move around without everything hurting.  And hurting is an understatement; I felt like everything in me was going to hit the floor.  EVERYTHING.  And all my poor husband could do was listen to me bitch and hold my hand.  Looking back, he was really a trooper.  I got used to the pain and I could finally feel my legs in the way God intended.  But nothing and no one prepared me for the horror that was going on “downstairs” after having my tubes tied.

I’m writing this to prepare those of you who are considering a tubal after delivery — not to shock and awe.  Y’all need to be prepared for the freaking crime scene that you’re going to witness.  And not just immediately post-partum either, guys.  No, no.  Mason is 4.5 months old and I’m here to tell you that this mess seems like it is here to stay.  And man, oh, man is it getting old fast.

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I’m sure some of you are shaking your heads, “Nah.  It can’t be that bad.  Someone’s being a drama queen.”  Go ahead and take several seats, because no.  It’s awful.  Thinking about grabbing a box of tampons a month post delivery?  Think again, Nancy.  Go ahead and buy all the maxi pads from all the Targets within a hundred mile radius and you might have enough to get through the first month.  Don’t even think about wearing cute underwear unless you’re okay with them looking like they survived a zombie apocalypse.  “Oh, but I’ll buy the super plus tamp–” NO YOU WON’T.  Oh, honey, no.  Mother Nature beats the hell out of those things.  So just get used to the idea of wearing a diaper for at least the first six months if not longer.

There was a time in my life (about a year ago, actually) that my heaviest period lasted three days.  I never even thought about buying anything other than regular strength tampons.  In fact, I vividly remember gawking at the S+ boxes and wondering who on earth could possibly survive a period that crazy.  Y’ALL.  I AM NOW THAT WOMAN.  So go ahead and stock up on granny panties (they’re comfy as hell, guys) and a truckload of the biggest maxi pads you can find.  Also, Midol isn’t going to touch the cramps you’re going to battle.  Go to your local pharmacist, slip him a $20, and ask him on the DL to take the strongest stuff they’ve got and add about 100MG to it.  You’ll thank me later.

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What you’re going to experience, believe it or not, is normal.  You’re not bleeding out, you’re not going to die, and if your kids are like my kids, your offspring will learn to sense when you’re at that time of the month (sorry, boys!).  No kidding, my kids volunteered to unload the dishwasher, fold laundry, and bathe the baby for this last visit from my heavy-handed Aunt Flo.  And. it. was. INCREDIBLE.  Sure, I had to go back and relocate a few dishes and refold a few towels.  But beggars can’t be choosers, and I think it’s safe to say that my boys’ wives will one day be very happy, indeed.

Side note, the hospital you use will give you a ton of those massive pads if you ask for them upon leaving.  My nurse gave me six unopened packs, y’all.  Talk about not all heroes wear capes!  She officially made my Christmas card list.  So be sure to ask for those as well as the mesh undies.  They’re definitely not attractive and they do nothing for your backside, but they won’t irritate your incision and, believe me, you’ll be glad to have them.

Family, Humor, Mom blog, Motherhood, Nostalgia\, Parenting, Relatable, Sitcoms, Uncategorized, Writing

Does Everybody Know What Time it Is?

If you instinctively answered, “Tool Time!”, then you might be a product of the nineties, or you’re at least familiar with sitcoms from that era.  I grew up watching Home Improvement with my dad; it brings back good memories and it’s a show I don’t mind my own kids watching.  Coincidentally, the things I remember laughing at as a kid (things I likely laughed about because my dad was laughing, too) are things that I laugh at now because they are so relatable.  The other day, my husband and I were talking about one of the episodes.  It hit me when Evan was mimicking a scene from Tim’s bit that we are, in fact, living out in our own version of Home Improvement.  In this particular scene, Jill is complaining to Tim about their eldest boys’ incessant bickering and is trying to come up with a logical way to correct the issue.  Tim’s response?  His trademark grunt, a quick room switch, and all’s well that ends well.  Naturally, Jill wasn’t very happy to be kept out of the loop, but even she can’t deny that the problem at hand is, well, no longer a problem.

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All of a sudden a flood of H.I. episodes came rushing to the forefront of my brain with one very clear thought: WE ARE THE TAYLORS.  It could be worse; we could epitomize the Conner family from “Roseanne”.  No thanks.

I’ve been putting an enormous amount of time into thinking about my theory, because, you know… I’ve got a lot of time on my hands (*snort*), and I think most of us mirror if not a full-on sitcom then at least a character, or group of characters, from a sitcom.  You think I’m kidding?  Go ahead.  Think about your favorite show or a popular show from any era.  The odds are, if you’re honest with yourself, that there is something out there that you can relate to at least a little.*  Hell, a good friend of mine is practically living out “Everybody Loves Raymond”.  Now that’s a show that’s great on a screen, but Lord have mercy am I ever thankful that I’m not living across from Marie, Frank, and Robert!

I think that’s the key to good writing, though.  A good writer has to pull his or her audience in enough to get them invested.  Generally speaking, an audience member becomes “invested” when he or she can relate to a character’s personality or situational moments.

For me personally, I can relate to Jill.  I’m married to a (not-so-idiotic) Tim and I have three boys who are all wildly different and who make me crazy.  Her days of being a SAHM really hit home for me as far as her feeling she isn’t living up to her potential, but I’ve also been a working momma.  Like Jill in later episodes, I know what it is like to juggle work and home life, hoping everything comes down in relative calm, only to wake up to a souped-up toaster gone horribly wrong.  Talk about being a chaos coordinator.  Yikes!th

My boys even fit the Tool Time bill.  Gabe is very much like Brad — likable, funny, and a little spacey.  Connor is the poster child for middle-kid syndrome, much like Randy.  He is smart and quick and, somewhere down deep, a sweetheart.  Mason is only four months old, but I’d be willing to lay a bet he’s calm, mild-mannered Mark.  Someone who just wants to fit in and be involved.  Most importantly, they are all mine and I love each of their unique personalities — even the crazy parts.

I’m not completely deluded; I know it’s just a TV show and we’re obviously not living in Detroit next to a know-it-all neighbor.  But somehow, on a super weird level, it’s sort of nice to know that there’s some writer out there making up storylines about a life that, I’m just being honest, really stacks up to my own real, off-screen life.  So think about it; what characters remind you of you and yours?  I’ve shared with you my weirdness — now it’s your turn.

* Side note: if you’re relating to things like The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, or Game of Thrones, you’ve got bigger fish to fry and perhaps you should scale it back to Barone level.  Just saying.

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