As we grow older, we develop life stories. Some parts of these stories are light-hearted and fun. Other chapters are dark and gloomy. Some are just “meh”; you know what I mean — we all wander out of the “wonder years” and straight into the “not-even-using-dry-shampoo-give-a-damn’s-busted”- ‘meh’ phase. It happens to the best of us — don’t knock ya’self. If you’re a parent, at least one and a half of those chapters take place at the grocery store. If you’re an unlucky parent, that grocery store just so happens to be WalMart.
Now, look — if any of you are employees of WalMart, I’m not hating on your workplace (much). WalMart is a necessary evil. A necessary evil that I should be a stockholder of, but I digress.
Point being, we all hold our own dialogue, with our own children, from our own personal experiences in the aisles and check-out lanes of various markets. My kids are generally well behaved in public. Sure, they get rowdy on occasion and sometimes I threaten to leave them in the frozen food aisle (“WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS, RANDOM HEATHEN?!”), but usually, the most damage that is ever done is me having to say really. weird. SHIT. No, Classy Cathy; I don’t mean stuff. I mean SHIT. I have said some seriously off-the-wall, where-in-the-world-did-that-come-from crap. And if you have ever had to run into the grocery with your children for, “Just eggs!” and you come out with everything but eggs, then you know my grief.
With that said, I’ve compiled a Top Ten list of my personal favorite “WTF?!” WalMart moments with my kids.
10. You don’t have to have a new toy every time we come to the store. Yes, that includes the poo emoji beanbag chair.
09. STOP POKING THE CHICKEN.
08. I don’t care if this is only WalMart and not Target, quit farting on your brother.
07. Quit staring at the bras. You’re right — I don’t have a tiger striped bra. Oh, I’m sure dad would laugh, alright.
06. You know, they throw kids in WalMart jail for eating grapes that haven’t been purchased. Don’t think I won’t let them keep you, either.
05. Yes, I see that she is wearing her pajamas. No, you may not wear your pajamas next time.
04. Are you lic– WHY ARE YOU LICKING THE BUGGY?!
03. No, you may not scan the baby’s butt. Why?! Because we’ve already paid for him, that’s why.
02. GET OUT OF THE FREEZER.
01. Go get in the car. Go GET in the CAR. GET IN THE CARRRRRRR.
All of the above was said in one shopping trip. Last week. The final week of summer. Y’all, Connor started kindergarten today. Do you know what that means?! That means I get to go grocery shopping, nay, to WALMART, alone. Unincumbered. In (relative) silence. There will be wine and dancing in the aisles and I don’t care who stares!
I hope I’m not alone in most of these (and seriously doubt that I am) and also hope you’ll comment below with your own grocery shopping proclamations and weirdness. Like what you’ve read? Hit the links below to follow me and subscribe for email notifications!
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#5 cracked me up!! I would definitely be thinking the same thing 😂
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I don’t know why that grosses me out, but LAWD. Don’t nobody want to see old Tweety Bird pjs in the meat aisle. haha!
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Hahaha! I don’t have a kid yet, but my mother definitely said of the things you mentioned here when I was a kid. Good times!
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Ohhh, parenthood. Brace yourself! lol.
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OMG. I giggled through every single one of these and I wish to goodness that you frequented MY WalMart here on the coast of North Carolina so I could just be a fly on the wall! HAHAHA! I especially love the one about “don’t think I won’t let them keep you!” — And licking the buggy?! What?! You seriously need a reality show because it would be a HIT!
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hahaha! Girl, thanks! My kids keep me on my toes, that’s for sure. We love North Carolina — you may bump into us one day on vacay. lol. Just listen for the ridiculousness. 😉
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Lol, I have seen and heard these words too often at the store, hehe
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Yes, girl. It’s a phenomenon, for sure. lol!
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Ha ha! Can definitely relate to this one! Sometimes I’m astonished at the crazy sentences that come out of my mouth when out with my kids lol!
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Right?! Sometimes it’s so embarrassing. Other times, I don’t even notice and my husband is like, “You’re a freak.” haha!
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Ha ha ha! This is pure greatness! Every mom can relate. We’ve all had those days. I say the first one every.single.time.
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Thanks, girl! When I see a mom with a half-up bun and toothpaste on her shirt, hollering at her kids to quit squeezing the bread — I know I’ve found one of my people. haha!
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Very funny! Enjoy some peace and quiet next time!
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I belly-laughed through all of these because I have said almost every single one myself!!!
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Parenting — the struggle is SO real. haha!
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Ok, I need to know that chicken story right now. LOL
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Oh, girl. The chicken story will forever go down in infamy. What started as, “Y’all, don’t touch the meat packages” led to a very panicked, “CONNOR DON’T POKE THE CHICKEN YOU’LL GET SALMONELLA AND DIE OMG DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN YOUR MOUTH” run to the bathroom to scrub his fingers and wash out his mouth moment. I’m pretty sure everyone in that aisle thought I was on crack. I wound up buying that damn chicken and he didn’t get salmonella poisoning (PRAISE JESUS). lol! It’s funny, now. But I was mentally calculating where all exits and trashcans were in the event he needed to puke. 🤣
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omg this cracked me up!!! i can so relare to this!!! lol
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Riding that struggle bus full throttle. haha! 🤣
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Haha…. My girl is still too young for me to say this, but I can imagine how my future is going to be in the Mart….
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Brace yourself! 🤣
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“I don’t care if this is only WalMart and not Target, quit farting on your brother.” I have two boys and I’m dreading when they are old enough to pull these antics!! Lmao
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