As we grow older, we develop life stories. Some parts of these stories are light-hearted and fun. Other chapters are dark and gloomy. Some are just “meh”; you know what I mean — we all wander out of the “wonder years” and straight into the “not-even-using-dry-shampoo-give-a-damn’s-busted”- ‘meh’ phase. It happens to the best of us — don’t knock ya’self. If you’re a parent, at least one and a half of those chapters take place at the grocery store. If you’re an unlucky parent, that grocery store just so happens to be WalMart.
Now, look — if any of you are employees of WalMart, I’m not hating on your workplace (much). WalMart is a necessary evil. A necessary evil that I should be a stockholder of, but I digress.
Point being, we all hold our own dialogue, with our own children, from our own personal experiences in the aisles and check-out lanes of various markets. My kids are generally well behaved in public. Sure, they get rowdy on occasion and sometimes I threaten to leave them in the frozen food aisle (“WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS, RANDOM HEATHEN?!”), but usually, the most damage that is ever done is me having to say really. weird. SHIT. No, Classy Cathy; I don’t mean stuff. I mean SHIT. I have said some seriously off-the-wall, where-in-the-world-did-that-come-from crap. And if you have ever had to run into the grocery with your children for, “Just eggs!” and you come out with everything but eggs, then you know my grief.
With that said, I’ve compiled a Top Ten list of my personal favorite “WTF?!” WalMart moments with my kids.
10. You don’t have to have a new toy every time we come to the store. Yes, that includes the poo emoji beanbag chair.
09. STOP POKING THE CHICKEN.
08. I don’t care if this is only WalMart and not Target, quit farting on your brother.
07. Quit staring at the bras. You’re right — I don’t have a tiger striped bra. Oh, I’m sure dad would laugh, alright.
06. You know, they throw kids in WalMart jail for eating grapes that haven’t been purchased. Don’t think I won’t let them keep you, either.
05. Yes, I see that she is wearing her pajamas. No, you may not wear your pajamas next time.
04. Are you lic– WHY ARE YOU LICKING THE BUGGY?!
03. No, you may not scan the baby’s butt. Why?! Because we’ve already paid for him, that’s why.
02. GET OUT OF THE FREEZER.
01. Go get in the car. Go GET in the CAR. GET IN THE CARRRRRRR.
All of the above was said in one shopping trip. Last week. The final week of summer. Y’all, Connor started kindergarten today. Do you know what that means?! That means I get to go grocery shopping, nay, to WALMART, alone. Unincumbered. In (relative) silence. There will be wine and dancing in the aisles and I don’t care who stares!
I hope I’m not alone in most of these (and seriously doubt that I am) and also hope you’ll comment below with your own grocery shopping proclamations and weirdness. Like what you’ve read? Hit the links below to follow me and subscribe for email notifications!