Check Yo’Self

I hate shopping. I especially hate shopping when there are only four lanes open, three of which are loaded to the brim and the fourth is being operated by the store newbie. So when the self-checkout lanes became a reality, I was over the moon. I could get in, grab my stuff, check out, bag my items how I wanted them bagged, and get the hell out of Dodge.
But lately, it seems like the self-checkout has become a haven for the technologically disadvantaged and/or perpetually slow shoppers and I’ve had it, damnit! However, the other day as I was waiting to check out with all three kids in tow, it occurred to me that there should be a MOM’S ONLY self-checkout lane. And I’m not just talking about the moms who seemingly have it all together, all the while screaming internally. No, no. I’m talking about all moms.
You got it together? You wearing a scrunchie from 1984 with a baby clutching to your chest? Are you talking at your kids through your teeth, “just-you-wait-til-your-father-gets-home” for the millionth time in ten minutes? No problem. At this self-service line, you’re all welcome. Enjoy complimentary chocolate and a carry-out cup of wine or coffee, courtesy of the house. Kids screaming? Here’s some melatonin. Caught judging another mom’s mom fail? You’re banned for life, Mindy McJudgerson. And you can leave the coffee.angry screen poke
Adding to that, the penalty for going through the Moms Only checkout lane without any children is pretty strict. Even more so than going to a family restroom with no kids. Well, maybe not more strict; they’re both pretty on par with one another. Even still, the rules on both those issues should be relatively sizeable given the offenses. We’re talking members-only line, y’heard?
Listen, I’m not implying that a childless person’s time isn’t just as valuable as someone who does have ankle biters. But let’s be real for a moment, shall we? If it takes a childless adult 45 minutes to check out with a gallon of milk and a package of Orbit gum, then they CLEARLY have bigger fish to fry. And there’s no way on God’s green earth that you need an 8×8 bathroom space to relieve yourself. Saddle up in a cubicle style stall like the rest of us, ma’am. Just saying.
I’m not saying that I’d live at a checkout like that, but I’d probably have a regular reservation. Ditto on that whole family bathroom thing. I can’t be squeezin’ all of this plus three kids into a glorified closet and expect us all to come out having not been peed on. So, Target? WalMart? Marshalls? Maybe consider us dry-shampoo using, spit-up smelling, kids-are-whining-because-we’re-not-at-the-zoo moms. I think you guys will find the rewards would be pretty fantastic.

16 thoughts on “Check Yo’Self”

  1. Yes, yes! I need this! My toddler will want in and out of the cart 3 times before we reach the clerk and my 10 month old refuses to sit so I get stuck holding an increasingly heavy child at the same time and when the two people ahead of us insist on using checks or can’t figure out how to count out coins, I want to pull my hair out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is SO frustrating! Even when the kids are patient and being well behaved, it’s hard. I mean — they’re kids! And often times it’s grown people who are the most ill-behaved or just plain dense. I’d be up for this kind of checkout lane, for sure. Lol!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this! I also wish there were more mom parking spaces like they have at certain baby stores, because I’m still learning how to coordinate taking my toddler and baby out of the car without getting impatient stares from someone trying to get into the car next to mine.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes! I totally agree. The self-checkouts are only for 25 items and less. But I use them whenever I can. And, I have only been able to use a family restroom once since having a kid. They are always occupied by single men.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Inevitably, all of us will need to go to the bathroom when we’re furthest away from it, and the baby will likely need a fresh diaper. So of course when we make our way there, there’s a childless individual taking his or her sweet time doing God only knows what. Ugh. So frustrating!


  4. That makes me laugh out loud! I want that glass of wine at checkout – better a bottle, and some earplugs if possible 🙂
    Thanks for that!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At the very least we deserve a fast pass to get to the front of the line. In front of the people giving nasty looks at us and our screaming toddler because they have never been parents and don’t understand!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, girl. I’m not even going to sugar coat it for you — soak it up while you can. 😂 Generally speaking, my kids are pretty well behaved in public (thank God), but that doesn’t make them any less of a handful. They’re still busy little bees and I feel like my eyes are everywhere but on my checkout space. Lol!


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